The Peacemaking Church: Lesson 5: “Forgive as God Has Forgiven You”

Our forgiveness shows what we think of God’s forgiveness

Message for April 9, 2014

***

      Sometimes I think about my girlhood friend. We met the summer before third grade. We quickly became best friends and stayed friends, though I moved away from the area when I started high school. We stayed friends, though I went still further away to college—and she remained in the area in which we grew up.

       We had had our silly quarrels every once in a while when we were kids that we quickly got over when we realized the value of our friendship and that we were, in fact, more like sisters than friends.

     And we had some misunderstandings and hurt feelings when we were adults.  Our lives and goals were very different. She didn’t marry and have kids, and I did. She was very career-oriented, while I homeschooled and became more committed to my faith, prayer, and church activities. My friend didn’t want religion to be that big a part of her life, she said. We remained friends. We managed to be there for one another through so many difficult times and long distances, encouraging each other through phone calls, letters, and occasional visits.

     After so many years of friendship, we parted when I married Jim and felt God was calling me to go to seminary. We didn’t have a fight. She simply stopped returning my calls and letters. She quietly, abruptly disappeared from my life. I could do nothing to repair our relationship as she cut off all communication. I just had to let her go. But the pain went deep. I had to learn to forgive.

***

       Today’s final lesson in our series on the peacemaking church is about forgiveness.  We cannot live in peace if we cannot learn to forgive!  But forgiving can be the hardest thing to do, especially when the wounds go deep. Ken Sande, the author of the book, “The Peacemaker,” that we have been using for our study, says, “Christians are the most forgiven people in the world. Therefore, we should be the most forgiving people in the world.”--Ken Sande, The Peacemaker, p. 204.

      Are we? Or do we often embrace God’s love and forgiveness for our sins, while we stubbornly withhold love and forgiveness from others?

     Scripture says this about forgiveness: A direct relationship exists between God’s forgiveness and ours.  We forgive because of what God has done for us! Eph. 4:32 says, “and be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.” In Matt. 6:12, when the Lord teaches us to pray, the prayer includes, “And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” Col. 3:13b says, “Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”

     Still, forgiveness doesn’t come naturally. We need God’s help.

      Let’s talk about what forgiveness is—and isn’t. Scripture describes forgiveness as an act of love. It is not a feeling, not forgetting, not excusing. When God says in Isaiah 43:25 that he “remembers your sins no more” he is promising that he will not remember them—not that God cannot remember them! In Ps. 103:12, we read that the Lord has removed our transgressions from us as far as the east is from the west!

       Forgiveness is a choice. It doesn’t just happen. It is something we do in obedience to Christ’s command to love one another. Paul tells the Corinthian church, embroiled in conflict, “Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

       What happens when God forgives? Forgiveness breaks down the walls that our sins have built and opens the way for a renewed relationship with the Lord. The Greek word aphiemi translated “forgiveness” means to let go, release or remit. It often refers to debts that have been paid or canceled in full, such as in Matt. 6:12; 18:27 and 32. God’s forgiveness is undeserved and cannot be earned. The Greek word charizomai translated “forgiveness” means to bestow favor freely or unconditionally. Rom. 6:23 assures us, “For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

     God’s forgiveness is unlimited. How many times does God forgive? So how often should we forgive? In Matthew 18, Peter asks Jesus, ‘Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?’  And Jesus says, ‘Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy times seven.”

    When we forgive, we make 4 promises (p. 209):

a.   “I will not dwell on this incident.”

b.   “I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.

c.    “I will not talk to others about this incident.”

d.   “I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.”

      By making and keeping these promises, with God’s help, we will tear down the walls that stand between us and other people. Keeping these promises clear the way for our relationships to develop unhindered by memories of past wrongs.

       Forgiveness, according to Ken Sande, has 2 stages. The first stage is unconditional: having an attitude of forgiveness. We come to the Lord in prayer with a humble heart, a servant’s heart that recognizes our own need for God’s grace and our own lack of righteousness without it. Mark 11:25 tells us, ‘Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone; so that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.’  We read of Stephen in Acts 7 kneeling down as he is being stoned, crying out in a loud voice, ‘Lord, do not hold this sin against them.’

     The 2^nd stage of forgiveness is conditional: granting forgiveness; it takes place between you and that person. In Luke 17:3, Jesus tells us, “Be on your guard! If another disciple sins, you must rebuke the offender, and if there is repentance, you must forgive.” Ideally, repentance precedes forgiveness, but not always. Romans 5:8 tells us that God demonstrated his love to us while we were yet sinners and He sent Jesus to die for us.  He didn’t wait for our repentance. He didn’t wait for us to come to Him. In Luke 23:34, when Jesus is crucified, Jesus prays, ‘Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.” 

      You might worry that forgiveness isn’t just; it rewards sinful behavior. Forgiveness doesn’t mean always releasing the wrongdoer from all consequences of sin. In Numbers 14:20-23, God forgives Israel its sins, but their generation will not see the promised land because of their unbelief and disobedience.

     But sometimes, we just want to hold onto our anger and hurt. How do we overcome unforgiveness? What if the person isn’t sorry for what they have done and won’t even admit that what they have done was hurtful? And what about forgiving the person who says they are sorry, but continues the hurtful behavior?

      We forgive, with God’s help. But forgiveness doesn’t mean that we continue in a close relationship with a person who is physically or emotionally abusive.

      Friends, be patient. You have heard me say that often during this Lenten series! Be patient. Today, it might feel like it is impossible for you to forgive someone who has hurt you. Maybe the one you are struggling to forgive is yourself! But through prayer and God’s Spirit working in your heart and in the hearts of those around you, tomorrow, things might look completely different. Tomorrow, you might wonder why you were upset in the first place! 

       No matter what the conflict or trial, God is working for our good. Conflict is an opportunity to glorify God, serve others, grow in faith, and be shaped into the person God wants us to be. And at all times, may the knowledge of God’s forgiveness for us strengthen us to do His will.

      Now go and be reconciled! As 2 Cor. 5:18-20 says, “All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting the message of reconciliation to us. So we are ambassadors for Christ, since God is making his appeal through us; we entreat you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.”

       Go and be reconciled knowing that it is a process that may take time. And that it is difficult and requires effort. The walls that have come up between you and the other person have to be torn down. Then, after the demolition work, you have to “clear away the debris and do repairs.” (Ken Sande p. 219.)

        Know that forgiveness requires a change in our attitude that will lead to a change in our relationship.

        Know that you have to give the person who offended you an opportunity to regain your trust. You won’t be able to reconcile with someone with whom you refuse to speak! Likewise, you won’t be able to be reconciled with someone who refuses to speak with you!

       Friends, don’t know what to do to repair a broken relationship? Pray! Trust in the Lord.  Meditate on God’s Word. Think of Jesus—who has paid our debt in full when he died on the cross for the sins of the world.

     Wait for the Spirit to grant you wisdom, strength, and an opportunity for reconciliation. Wait in faith that the Spirit will guide you in what you do and say.

        I pray God’s Word will continue to empower you to respond to conflict in godly ways.  So that, as Jesus says in Luke 6:27-28, you may love your enemies, bless those who curse you and pray for those who abuse you. And so that, as Paul says in Romans 12:21, you would not repay evil with evil, but overcome evil with good.

       Go and be reconciled, knowing that reconciliation doesn’t mean the person should now be your closest friend. Think of Jacob and Esau, who reconciled after decades of being apart, and then immediately went their separate ways with their households. Seek God’s will so that the choices you make will be pleasing to Him.

      Maybe someday I will be reconciled with my childhood friend. In my heart, I have granted her forgiveness every time I think of her and the years of friendship that we shared. I pray that she will be able to forgive me. I pray, most of all, that the Lord will draw her to Himself and that she will be reconciled to Him through belief on His Son. I pray that this conflict will be something God will use to accomplish His purposes in and through my friend and me.  And that no matter what happens, God will be glorified!

       

Will you pray with me?

 Holy God of peace, thank you for loving us while we were still sinners. And for sending your only Son to die on the cross for our sakes. Thank you for your patience with us – forgiving us over and over again – having grace and love for us unconditionally while we struggle to extend your grace and love to others. Forgive us, again, we plead, for our disobedience and selfishness. Help us to forgive as you forgive us. Humble us by a new and deeper understanding of divine forgiveness and what you have done for us through our Savior, Redeemer and Lord. Move our hearts to compassion for those who are stuck in sinful lifestyles, unable to walk away from the temptations of sin that hurt you, Lord, and that hold them captive. Stir us to reach out to the lost with the hope of the gospel. Help us to truly believe that the sacrifice of Jesus Christ was enough for all sin—for the sins of yesterday, today, and tomorrow. For all my sins, for all our sins. For all the sins of the world. Lead us to live as a forgiven people, walking in kindness and seeking always to partner with you in your ministry of reconciliation. In Christ we pray. Amen.

“Jesus Began to Weep”

Meditation on John 11:1-45

April 6, 2014

      Now a certain man was ill, Lazarus of Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. Mary was the one who anointed the Lord with perfume and wiped his feet with her hair; her brother Lazarus was ill. So the sisters sent a message to Jesus, ‘Lord, he whom you love is ill.’  But when Jesus heard it, he said, ‘This illness does not lead to death; rather it is for God’s glory, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.’ Accordingly, though Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus, after having heard that Lazarus was ill, he stayed two days longer in the place where he was.

      Then after this he said to the disciples, ‘Let us go to Judea again.’ The disciples said to him, ‘Rabbi, the Jews were just now trying to stone you, and are you going there again?’ Jesus answered, ‘Are there not twelve hours of daylight? Those who walk during the day do not stumble, because they see the light of this world. But those who walk at night stumble, because the light is not in them.’ 

     After saying this, Jesus told them, ‘Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep, but I am going there to awaken him.’ The disciples said to him, ‘Lord, if he has fallen asleep, he will be all right.’ Jesus, however, had been speaking about his death, but they thought that he was referring merely to sleep. Then Jesus told them plainly, ‘Lazarus is dead. For your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.’ Thomas, who was called the Twin, said to his fellow-disciples, ‘Let us also go, that we may die with him.’

      When Jesus arrived, he found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb for four days. Now Bethany was near Jerusalem, some two miles away, and many of the Jews had come to Martha and Mary to console them about their brother. When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went and met him, while Mary stayed at home. Martha said to Jesus, ‘Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now I know that God will give you whatever you ask of him.’ Jesus said to her, ‘Your brother will rise again.’ Martha said to him, ‘I know that he will rise again in the resurrection on the last day.’ Jesus said to her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life. Those who believe in me, even though they die, will live, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?’ She said to him, ‘Yes, Lord, I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, the one coming into the world.’

     When she had said this, she went back and called her sister Mary, and told her privately, ‘The Teacher is here and is calling for you.’ And when she heard it, she got up quickly and went to him. Now Jesus had not yet come to the village, but was still at the place where Martha had met him. The Jews who were with her in the house, consoling her, saw Mary get up quickly and go out. They followed her because they thought that she was going to the tomb to weep there. 

     When Mary came where Jesus was and saw him, she knelt at his feet and said to him, ‘Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.’ When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, he was greatly disturbed in spirit and deeply moved. He said, ‘Where have you laid him?’ They said to him, ‘Lord, come and see.’ Jesus began to weep. So the Jews said, ‘See how he loved him!’ But some of them said, ‘Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?’

    Then Jesus, again greatly disturbed, came to the tomb. It was a cave, and a stone was lying against it. Jesus said, ‘Take away the stone.’ Martha, the sister of the dead man, said to him, ‘Lord, already there is a stench because he has been dead for four days.’ Jesus said to her, ‘Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?’ So they took away the stone. And Jesus looked upwards and said, ‘Father, I thank you for having heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I have said this for the sake of the crowd standing here, so that they may believe that you sent me.’ When he had said this, he cried with a loud voice, ‘Lazarus, come out!’ The dead man came out, his hands and feet bound with strips of cloth, and his face wrapped in a cloth. Jesus said to them, ‘Unbind him, and let him go.’ Many of the Jews, therefore, who had come with Mary and had seen what Jesus did, believed in him.

***

     I have to confess, I like calendars! I have quite a few.

     My obsession isn’t with knowing the date or making sure I am keeping to my schedule. I like the pictures that go with each month – and the anticipation that every time we finish a month, I turn the page and see a new photo, perhaps one more beautiful or interesting than the last.

      Calendars with pictures of animals in the wild or breathtaking scenes from nature are my favorite. They never fail to lift my spirits and draw my attention to our awesome Creator!

      As we finished March last week, I turned the page of my American Museum of Natural History calendar and was thrilled with the photo for April. A ruby-throated hummingbird hovers over a mass of red flowers. My first thought was, “Wow! How lovely!” And my second was, “Where was this photographer that he saw flowers and hummingbirds in April? Definitely not in Minnesota!”

     The photo reminded me of the warmth of summer and filling the plastic red and yellow hummingbird feeder with red sugar water —and sometimes looking out my window at just the right moment to catch an occasional hummingbird visitor, hovering and sipping for just a little while, before zipping off to another feeding place.

    The day I first admired my hummingbird photo, I discovered an article online from Voice of America called, “Birds of a Feather, Hummingbird Family Tree Unveiled.” I was impressed to read that hummingbirds are the smallest birds and the smallest warm-blooded animals on Earth. They have the fastest heart rate and fastest metabolism of any vertebrate—so fast that they have to constantly feed on nectar and small insects, or they will starve to death. They are the only birds that can fly backward! And it’s their wings that make the humming sound. The largest variety—the giant hummingbird of South America—is 8 inches long and flaps its wings 15 times per second, while the smallest variety—the bee hummingbird of Cuba—is only 2 inches long and flaps its wings 80 times per second!

      The main point of the article was a recent study that showed the hummingbird’s complicated evolutional history. Researchers have constructed a hummingbird family tree using genetic information from most of the world’s 338 species.  They have traced the common ancestor of every species of hummingbird in existence today to a bird living 22 million years ago in South America.  Fossils have led them to believe that this South American bird is related to a group of small birds called swifts that lived in Europe or Asia about 42 million years ago, but somehow found its way to South America. [1] Today, hummingbirds only live in North, South and Central America.

       Christopher Witt, a New Mexico ornithologist, says scientists don’t know when the European species died out because the fossil record is so poor. It could be 30 million years or a thousand years ago.

     I finished the article and looked back up at the photo of the elegant, ruby-throated hummingbird on my home office wall—and I praised the Lord for His magnificent Creation that still remains so much of a mystery to us, no matter how hard we try to figure it out, often without giving God the glory. I marveled at the hummingbird’s survival for so many centuries, despite its size and metabolism that requires the bird to continually feed on God’s creation—or die.

***

    Our gospel today tells of Jesus healing his friend, Lazarus, brother to Mary and Martha, but waiting several days after hearing of his illness before beginning the trip to Lazarus’ home in Bethany. The reason for delay, Jesus says, is for “God’s glory, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.”

     But the disciples cannot understand why Jesus would want to leave the wilderness and the Jordan River where John had baptized, since Jesus had fled there after narrowly escaping stoning in Jerusalem. He had angered the Jews by saying, “The works that I do in my Father’s name testify to me; but you do not believe, because you do not belong to my sheep. My sheep hear my voice. I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life and they will never perish.” Many people came to Jesus in the wilderness and went away believers, saying “everything that John said about this man was true.”

       The disciples are amazed and dismayed at Jesus’ announcement that it’s time to go to Lazarus—after he has died! Thomas says, “Let us also go, that we may die with him!”

     Jesus has another sign to reveal, one greater than all of his miracles so far, to lead his disciples to believe that he is the Messiah, the Son of God. But even knowing what will happen, that Lazarus will be raised from the dead, Jesus is still moved at the sight of his beloved friends, Mary and Martha, crying. Even knowing all things past, present and future, Jesus began to weep. Greatly disturbed, he goes to the tomb, where there is the stench of a man already dead four days.

    Jesus says, “Take away the stone!”

    Lazarus will live again!

***

    Friends, we mourn the loss of loved ones. We struggle with illness or disease and suffer with our loved ones when they struggle with illness and disease. But as we cry out to the Lord for His healing and comfort— as He urges us to do—we can be sure that Jesus weeps along with us, just as He wept with Mary and Martha who grieved the loss of their brother.

      We can trust in God’s loving care for all His creatures. We can trust in our merciful and compassionate Lord, who surely loves those who were fashioned in His image even more than the beautiful hummingbird, the smallest bird on Earth, needing to continually feed on God’s creation—or die.

     Brothers and sisters, our Savior has conquered death! We have no reason to fear!

    Our Redeemer offers eternal life to all His sheep that hear his voice—and follow after Him.

      We can trust in our Lord who weeps with us when we suffer and grieve, and hears our prayers for healing.  The one who wept with Mary and Martha, all the while knowing that he would cry out, “Take away the stone!”

     And Lazarus would live again!

Let us pray.

Holy One, we praise you for your magnificent Creation—for your loving care for all your creatures great and small—even as small as the tiny hummingbird who continually relies on your provision. We thank you for loving us so much that you were willing to suffer and die so we would not perish in our sins. Thank you for hearing our prayers for healing and offering the gift of eternal life to all your sheep that hear your voice and follow after you. Forgive us for our many sins, for all the times we have failed to trust in you—for when we have not listened to your voice and have chosen to disobey. Lead us to praise and follow you all of our days and to be a witness to the world of your everlasting glory and healing love. In Christ we pray. Amen.

    

    

   

---

[1] http://www.voanews.com/content/reu-birds-of-a-feather-hummingbird-family-tree-unveiled/1885951.html

The Peacemaking Church: Lesson 4 in our Wednesday night Lenten series

LESSON 4 NOTES: “Speak the Truth in Love”

Notes and Outline for Bible study
April 2, 2014

***

       Some years ago—more than a dozen years now—I was a remedial reading teacher for children in grades 4 through 8. And I remember how other teachers used to dread parent conferences. Not me!  I loved them! I didn’t usually say that around other teachers because I didn’t want them to think I was weird.

       But I looked forward to meeting the parents and sometimes even the younger brothers and sisters would come along.  Getting to know the families helped me better understand the students and their situations at home.  Because I wanted to do whatever I could to help the students—and I knew that I couldn’t build their reading and study skills if their mind was on another part of their life—or if, by chance, they were hungry because their parent or parents worked at night and no one was home to prepare healthy meals—or even grocery shop and make sure there was enough food in the pantry and refrigerator for the family to eat.

      Looking back, I think that my attitude—towards the students, their families, and my job---is what made all the difference.  I saw teaching as a ministry, and I took it very seriously. My heart was in it. I cared about the children and their families. I cared about them. And I tried very hard to show it so they would know that I cared about them.

      The conferences were an opportunity not to relay the bad news about all the homework assignments the students had failed to turn in and their low test scores. Even though there always were students who hadn’t done their homework or scored well on tests—that was why they were in remedial reading with me. I didn’t keep a list of all the times their behavior was inappropriate, though we did briefly talk about behavior problems if that was a problem with a student. But I honestly can’t recall that ever coming up when I was a reading teacher. I saw the conferences as a way to encourage the parents and enlist their help in the education of their child—so we could work together.

    And I think it wasn’t just having a positive attitude that made all the difference. I spent a good deal of time preparing for the meetings with parents—choosing carefully samples of homework, tests, projects, and books the students were reading in class.  I took time to plan what I was going to say, making a list of the students’ strengths and needs. I learned in my teacher training that if you have bad news to share, the best way is the sandwich approach. You begin with good news—some of the strengths. What they are doing well! Then you share the needs and your recommendations for how to help them. And then you finish the conversation with more strengths. Oh, and the list of needs should not be longer than the list of strengths.

     If I had trouble finding good examples of the student’s work, I would share stories about something good they said or did, or an activity I know they enjoyed. I made a point to make good observations about their character, such as their good attitude, sense of humor, or friendly manner.

    Everything I said, I meant from the heart.

    The parent conferences were important to me because I, too, was a parent. And I had had some unpleasant meetings with teachers who did not attempt to use the sandwich approach in describing strengths and needs. A few seemed to struggle to find something nice to say about my child. I left the meeting feeling the teacher did not care about my child; they did not really even know them or want to know them better. Nor did they care about having a relationship with me so that we could work together to help my son be the best that he could be.

      All of us have had difficult conversations, conversations that end with our feelings hurt and us seeking to avoid having a conversation with that person again.  Today, we are going to talk about the difficult conversations that we sometimes must have—how when we should not simply overlook the offense.

      Let’s hear what God’s word has to say about speaking the truth in love.

1.    A sin is too serious to overlook when it dishonors God.

In Matthew chapter 21 verses 12 through 13, we hear about when Jesus was cleansing the temple.

 Then Jesus entered the temple and drove out all who were selling and buying in the temple, and he overturned the tables of the money-changers and the seats of those who sold doves. He said to them, ‘It is written,
“My house shall be called a house of prayer”;
   but you are making it a den of robbers.’

In Romans chapter 2 verses 23 and 24, the apostle Paul says, “You that boast in the law, do you dishonour God by breaking the law? For, as it is written, ‘The name of God is blasphemed among the Gentiles because of you.’”

A sin is too serious to overlook when it is damaging to your relationship, hurting others, or is hurting the offender.

Matthew 18:15 says, “If your brother sins again you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.”

James 5:19-20 says “My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover a multitude of sins.”

2.  Restoring means more than confronting.

The Bible repeatedly warns us not to be looking for opportunities to point out faults in other people.  In fact, anyone who is eager to go and show a brother his sin is probably disqualified from doing so. Such eagerness is often a sign of pride and spiritual immaturity, which will keep us from ministering effectively with others. Matthew 7:1 says, “Do not judge, or you, too, will be judged.”        

       
In Matthew 18:12-14, Jesus, the loving shepherd gently goes to look for a wandering sheep—and rejoices when it is found. Jesus wants us to imitate his shepherd love to help others back into the fold.

Galatians 6:1 says “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.”

Instead of confronting, let us minister to one another: confessing, teaching, instructing, reasoning with, showing, encouraging, correcting, warning, admonishing or rebuking.

Jesus in Luke 17:3 says, “Be on your guard! If another disciple sins, you must rebuke the offender, and if there is repentance, you must forgive.”

 Acts 17:17 describes Paul as arguing “in the synagogue with the Jews and the devout persons, and also in the marketplace every day with those who happened to be there.”

Paul in First Thessalonians 5:1 says, “And we urge you, beloved, to admonish the idlers, encourage the faint-hearted, help the weak, be patient with all of them.”

2 Tim. 2:24 tells us, “And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kindly to everyone, an apt teacher, patient.

Second Tim. 4:2 says, “proclaim the message; be persistent whether the time is favorable or unfavorable; convince, rebuke, and encourage, with the utmost patience in teaching.”

     
In John 4: 1-18, Jesus did not confront the Samaritan woman at the well---he approached the issue indirectly by using questions and discussion that stirred her to think about her own life and beliefs. Jesus frequently used parables and stories to help people see their sins, such as in Matthew 21 verses 33-45 and Luke chapter 15.

Be open to the Spirit’s leading. Ask the Lord how to communicate in a way that is most appropriate and helpful to them. Philippians chapter 2 verses 3 and 4 tell us, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility regard others as better than yourselves. Let each of you look not to your own interests, but to the interests of others.”

3.  If someone has something against you, go to them. Take the initiative in seeking peace, even if we do not believe we are at fault.  Jesus in Matthew chapter 5 verses 23 and 24 says, “So when you are offering your gift at the altar, if you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift.”

   It enhances our Christian witness, especially if the other person is in the wrong. 

Jesus in Luke chapter 6 verses 32 through 36 says,

 “‘If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. If you lend to those from whom you hope to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to receive as much again. But love your enemies, do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return. Your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High; for he is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.”

Initiate reconciliation out of love for your brother or sister in the Lord. Matt 5:21-22 says, ‘You have heard that it was said to those of ancient times, “You shall not murder”; and “whoever murders shall be liable to judgment.” But I say to you that if you are angry with a brother or sister, you will be liable to judgement; and if you insult a brother or sister, you will be liable to the council; and if you say, “You fool”, you will be liable to the hell of fire.”

Go, take the initiative to go to the person who has something against you because Christ commands us in Romans chapters 12 and 14 to make every effort to live in peace. Bring hope through the Gospel—through your words and your actions. Be quick to listen and be patient—with others and with ourselves. Often, we are thinking about what we are going to say as another person is speaking to us. Don’t assume you already know what the person is going to say.

Clarify—ask questions to make sure you understand. Reflect—restate in your words what the person has said to make sure you have heard correctly.  Don’t underestimate the power of agreement. Agree on points that you can agree on. Don’t just talk about the points on which you disagree. 

Scripture tells us the tongue of the wise brings healing. Here’s our opportunity to “breathe grace.” Make charitable judgments—think the best of people. Don’t assume the worst.

Speak the truth in love. Engage the other person in conversation rather than declare.  One of the fastest ways to make people defensive is to abruptly announce what they have done wrong. Think carefully about how to open a conversation in a way that shows genuine concern for the other person and engages him in listening to your words without being defensive.

Make sure you communicate so clearly you cannot possibly be misunderstood! The best way to do this is to plan your words and prepare your heart! If you don’t care about the person with whom you are speaking, it will show in your attitude. They will know!

The best way to prepare your heart?  Prayer. Ask the Lord to help you with this difficult conversation. Ask Him to guide you, to give you the right words to say and to be with you in the conversation. Even in a difficult conversation, we are called to be the peace of Christ – and we can be because of Christ’s Spirit that lives in us.

But even when we do and say everything God leads us to do and say, the conversation may not go as well as you would like it to. Sometimes people will not be open to hearing what you have to say, despite your loving attitude and good intentions.  We have to recognize our limits. Only God can bring about repentance. Only God can change someone’s heart—and draw them closer to Him.

    What matters most in these difficult conversations is our hearts.  

      Do we really care about people? 

      Are we speaking the truth in love?    

Let us pray.  Lord God, we thank you for Christ Jesus who is our peace—and has made a way for us to be reconciled with God and one another.  Forgive us for when our own bad attitudes have made difficult conversations even more difficult. Give us hearts of love and compassion so that we look to the needs of others—and not just our own desires. Help us to be more patient with one another—to listen more and speak less. Lord, make us more like your Son. In Him we pray. Amen.