The Peacemaking Church: Lesson 4 in our Wednesday night Lenten series

LESSON 4 NOTES: “Speak the Truth in Love”

Notes and Outline for Bible study
April 2, 2014

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       Some years ago—more than a dozen years now—I was a remedial reading teacher for children in grades 4 through 8. And I remember how other teachers used to dread parent conferences. Not me!  I loved them! I didn’t usually say that around other teachers because I didn’t want them to think I was weird.

       But I looked forward to meeting the parents and sometimes even the younger brothers and sisters would come along.  Getting to know the families helped me better understand the students and their situations at home.  Because I wanted to do whatever I could to help the students—and I knew that I couldn’t build their reading and study skills if their mind was on another part of their life—or if, by chance, they were hungry because their parent or parents worked at night and no one was home to prepare healthy meals—or even grocery shop and make sure there was enough food in the pantry and refrigerator for the family to eat.

      Looking back, I think that my attitude—towards the students, their families, and my job---is what made all the difference.  I saw teaching as a ministry, and I took it very seriously. My heart was in it. I cared about the children and their families. I cared about them. And I tried very hard to show it so they would know that I cared about them.

      The conferences were an opportunity not to relay the bad news about all the homework assignments the students had failed to turn in and their low test scores. Even though there always were students who hadn’t done their homework or scored well on tests—that was why they were in remedial reading with me. I didn’t keep a list of all the times their behavior was inappropriate, though we did briefly talk about behavior problems if that was a problem with a student. But I honestly can’t recall that ever coming up when I was a reading teacher. I saw the conferences as a way to encourage the parents and enlist their help in the education of their child—so we could work together.

    And I think it wasn’t just having a positive attitude that made all the difference. I spent a good deal of time preparing for the meetings with parents—choosing carefully samples of homework, tests, projects, and books the students were reading in class.  I took time to plan what I was going to say, making a list of the students’ strengths and needs. I learned in my teacher training that if you have bad news to share, the best way is the sandwich approach. You begin with good news—some of the strengths. What they are doing well! Then you share the needs and your recommendations for how to help them. And then you finish the conversation with more strengths. Oh, and the list of needs should not be longer than the list of strengths.

     If I had trouble finding good examples of the student’s work, I would share stories about something good they said or did, or an activity I know they enjoyed. I made a point to make good observations about their character, such as their good attitude, sense of humor, or friendly manner.

    Everything I said, I meant from the heart.

    The parent conferences were important to me because I, too, was a parent. And I had had some unpleasant meetings with teachers who did not attempt to use the sandwich approach in describing strengths and needs. A few seemed to struggle to find something nice to say about my child. I left the meeting feeling the teacher did not care about my child; they did not really even know them or want to know them better. Nor did they care about having a relationship with me so that we could work together to help my son be the best that he could be.

      All of us have had difficult conversations, conversations that end with our feelings hurt and us seeking to avoid having a conversation with that person again.  Today, we are going to talk about the difficult conversations that we sometimes must have—how when we should not simply overlook the offense.

      Let’s hear what God’s word has to say about speaking the truth in love.

1.    A sin is too serious to overlook when it dishonors God.

In Matthew chapter 21 verses 12 through 13, we hear about when Jesus was cleansing the temple.

 Then Jesus entered the temple and drove out all who were selling and buying in the temple, and he overturned the tables of the money-changers and the seats of those who sold doves. He said to them, ‘It is written,
“My house shall be called a house of prayer”;
   but you are making it a den of robbers.’

In Romans chapter 2 verses 23 and 24, the apostle Paul says, “You that boast in the law, do you dishonour God by breaking the law? For, as it is written, ‘The name of God is blasphemed among the Gentiles because of you.’”

A sin is too serious to overlook when it is damaging to your relationship, hurting others, or is hurting the offender.

Matthew 18:15 says, “If your brother sins again you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.”

James 5:19-20 says “My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover a multitude of sins.”

2.  Restoring means more than confronting.

The Bible repeatedly warns us not to be looking for opportunities to point out faults in other people.  In fact, anyone who is eager to go and show a brother his sin is probably disqualified from doing so. Such eagerness is often a sign of pride and spiritual immaturity, which will keep us from ministering effectively with others. Matthew 7:1 says, “Do not judge, or you, too, will be judged.”        

       
In Matthew 18:12-14, Jesus, the loving shepherd gently goes to look for a wandering sheep—and rejoices when it is found. Jesus wants us to imitate his shepherd love to help others back into the fold.

Galatians 6:1 says “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.”

Instead of confronting, let us minister to one another: confessing, teaching, instructing, reasoning with, showing, encouraging, correcting, warning, admonishing or rebuking.

Jesus in Luke 17:3 says, “Be on your guard! If another disciple sins, you must rebuke the offender, and if there is repentance, you must forgive.”

 Acts 17:17 describes Paul as arguing “in the synagogue with the Jews and the devout persons, and also in the marketplace every day with those who happened to be there.”

Paul in First Thessalonians 5:1 says, “And we urge you, beloved, to admonish the idlers, encourage the faint-hearted, help the weak, be patient with all of them.”

2 Tim. 2:24 tells us, “And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kindly to everyone, an apt teacher, patient.

Second Tim. 4:2 says, “proclaim the message; be persistent whether the time is favorable or unfavorable; convince, rebuke, and encourage, with the utmost patience in teaching.”

     
In John 4: 1-18, Jesus did not confront the Samaritan woman at the well---he approached the issue indirectly by using questions and discussion that stirred her to think about her own life and beliefs. Jesus frequently used parables and stories to help people see their sins, such as in Matthew 21 verses 33-45 and Luke chapter 15.

Be open to the Spirit’s leading. Ask the Lord how to communicate in a way that is most appropriate and helpful to them. Philippians chapter 2 verses 3 and 4 tell us, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility regard others as better than yourselves. Let each of you look not to your own interests, but to the interests of others.”

3.  If someone has something against you, go to them. Take the initiative in seeking peace, even if we do not believe we are at fault.  Jesus in Matthew chapter 5 verses 23 and 24 says, “So when you are offering your gift at the altar, if you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift.”

   It enhances our Christian witness, especially if the other person is in the wrong. 

Jesus in Luke chapter 6 verses 32 through 36 says,

 “‘If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. If you lend to those from whom you hope to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to receive as much again. But love your enemies, do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return. Your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High; for he is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.”

Initiate reconciliation out of love for your brother or sister in the Lord. Matt 5:21-22 says, ‘You have heard that it was said to those of ancient times, “You shall not murder”; and “whoever murders shall be liable to judgment.” But I say to you that if you are angry with a brother or sister, you will be liable to judgement; and if you insult a brother or sister, you will be liable to the council; and if you say, “You fool”, you will be liable to the hell of fire.”

Go, take the initiative to go to the person who has something against you because Christ commands us in Romans chapters 12 and 14 to make every effort to live in peace. Bring hope through the Gospel—through your words and your actions. Be quick to listen and be patient—with others and with ourselves. Often, we are thinking about what we are going to say as another person is speaking to us. Don’t assume you already know what the person is going to say.

Clarify—ask questions to make sure you understand. Reflect—restate in your words what the person has said to make sure you have heard correctly.  Don’t underestimate the power of agreement. Agree on points that you can agree on. Don’t just talk about the points on which you disagree. 

Scripture tells us the tongue of the wise brings healing. Here’s our opportunity to “breathe grace.” Make charitable judgments—think the best of people. Don’t assume the worst.

Speak the truth in love. Engage the other person in conversation rather than declare.  One of the fastest ways to make people defensive is to abruptly announce what they have done wrong. Think carefully about how to open a conversation in a way that shows genuine concern for the other person and engages him in listening to your words without being defensive.

Make sure you communicate so clearly you cannot possibly be misunderstood! The best way to do this is to plan your words and prepare your heart! If you don’t care about the person with whom you are speaking, it will show in your attitude. They will know!

The best way to prepare your heart?  Prayer. Ask the Lord to help you with this difficult conversation. Ask Him to guide you, to give you the right words to say and to be with you in the conversation. Even in a difficult conversation, we are called to be the peace of Christ – and we can be because of Christ’s Spirit that lives in us.

But even when we do and say everything God leads us to do and say, the conversation may not go as well as you would like it to. Sometimes people will not be open to hearing what you have to say, despite your loving attitude and good intentions.  We have to recognize our limits. Only God can bring about repentance. Only God can change someone’s heart—and draw them closer to Him.

    What matters most in these difficult conversations is our hearts.  

      Do we really care about people? 

      Are we speaking the truth in love?    

Let us pray.  Lord God, we thank you for Christ Jesus who is our peace—and has made a way for us to be reconciled with God and one another.  Forgive us for when our own bad attitudes have made difficult conversations even more difficult. Give us hearts of love and compassion so that we look to the needs of others—and not just our own desires. Help us to be more patient with one another—to listen more and speak less. Lord, make us more like your Son. In Him we pray. Amen.