LESSON THREE: “Is This Really
Worth Fighting Over?”
A gracious,
gentle attitude can prevent most conflicts.
Outline and notes for Bible lesson 3/26/14
***
During this peacemaking series, I often
talk about relationships and conflicts in a family—and then we relate those
experiences to conflicts and relationships in a church family. Because where is the first place that we learn
about and experience conflict? In our own homes and families. This is also
where we develop our patterns of dealing with conflict.
When I was kid, my brother and I were always fighting. He was always
teasing me and playing mean jokes on me. Both of my parents worked during the
day, so my brother, sister and I were on our own after school. I remember one
time my brother got into the house ahead of me—and then he locked me out and
made faces at me through the window in the door.
I became more and more angry and frustrated. First I pounded on the door. And then I think I started to cry. Eventually, my older sister opened the door
for me. And when my parents got home and I told them what happened, their
response was to tell me that my brother was just teasing me and I was too
sensitive. My parents’ response to my
brother’s teasing and mean jokes made me even more frustrated. He wasn’t
punished and I was the one who received the lecture.
My response to my brother’s teasing was to get angry at him and to try
to figure out how I could get even. If he called me names, I came up with some
creative names for him! If he insulted me, I insulted him back. But these responses
brought me no pleasure. Getting angry and getting even never brought me any
peace with myself.
Remember in the first lesson we talked about the 3 dimensions of peace?
Peace with God through Jesus Christ, peace with human beings and peace with
self. If any of these dimensions are missing—then we have no real peace. But if
we have peace with God through Jesus Christ, then we have the Spirit’s power to
help us with all three dimensions—peace with God, peace with other people, and
peace with ourselves.
Let’s talk about how we can respond to conflict—the godly ways verses
the ways of the world. If you look at The Slippery Slope, which comes from a
book by Ken Sande and Kevin Johnson called, “The Peacemaker: Student Edition,” you will see 3 different
categories of responses to conflict. On the left side of the slope, you see the
“peace faking or escape responses.” These include denial, blaming, flight, or,
even suicide, if escape is taken to the extreme. On the right side of the
slope, we have the all-too-common in our society “peacebreaking” or “attack”
responses. These include insults, gossip, fighting, and taking peacebreaking to
the extreme—murder. On the top of the slope are the peacemaking responses that
are supported by scripture and commanded by God. These are overlooking an offense, talking it over, getting help from another
person, and accountability— when a Christian or a congregation, as in the
example of Matthew 18:17-- holds a believer that will not listen to godly
teaching accountable to scripture and lead them to repentance, justice and
forgiveness.
If we use Ken Sande’s slippery slope model, where would my response fall
on the slope—peacefaking, peacebreaking, or peacemaking? Yes, my responses were
in the peacebreaking or attack category.
Christ has called us to bring the message of God’s love, grace, and
mercy to a world that is filled with conflict, sin, and broken relationships. We
look to Jesus as our model of one who made the ultimate sacrifice for peace as he
hung dying on the cross. Jesus did not get angry and seek revenge on his
persecutors. In Luke 23:24, Jesus says, “Father, forgive them, for they know
not what they do.” God, forgive them! They don’t know what they are doing!
Because of the Father’s great love for us—and because of Jesus, whose
sacrifice has made the way for our reconciliation with God and one another—we
may be tempted, but we do not have to resort to peacefaking or peacebreaking in
response to the conflict in our lives.
Let’s look now at what the Bible teaches
about godly responses to conflict.
1. We can overlook minor offenses. It is the wise person who has patience
to overlook the personal offenses of others. (Prov. 19:11; 12:16; 15:18; 20:3) Prov. 19:11
says, “Those with good sense are slow
to anger, and it is their glory to overlook an offence.” Prov. 12:16
says, “Fools show their anger at once,
but the prudent ignore an insult.” Prov. 15:18 says, Those who are hot-tempered stir up strife, but those
who are slow to anger calm contention. And Prov.
20:3 says, It is honorable to
refrain from strife,but every fool is quick to quarrel.
2. If we don’t overlook the minor offenses, things can get even worse. Prov. 17:14 says, “The beginning of strife is like letting out water; so stop before the quarrel breaks out.
3. We are called to love and forgive. I Peter 4:8 says, “Above all, maintain constant love for one another,
for love covers a multitude of sins. Prov. 10:12 and 17:9 say, “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offences. One who forgives an affront fosters
friendship, but one who dwells on
disputes will alienate a friend.
4. We are called to humilty and patience (gifts of the Spirit), bearing
with one another in love, as God is ever patient with us. Eph. 4:2 and 4:32 tell
us, “with all humility and gentleness,
with patience, bearing with one another in love, and be kind to one another,
tender-hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.”
And … we should get the
log out of our own eye—first address our own sin before we are concerned about
the sin in someone else. Matt. 7:1-5 says ‘Do not judge, so that you may not be judged. For with
the judgment you make you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the
measure you get. Why do you see the speck in your neighbor’s eye, but
do not notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your
neighbor, “Let me take the speck out of your eye”, while the log is in
your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and
then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor’s eye.”
5. For it takes 2 to have a conflict! And conflict
starts in the heart. James 4:1 says, “Those conflicts and disputes among you, where do they come
from? Do they not come from your cravings that are at war within you?”
6. When you come face to
face with your own sin and weaknesses, remember that confession to our loving
and gracious Heavenly Father brings freedom, not condemnation! Proverbs 28:13
assures us, “No one who
conceals transgressions will prosper,
but one who confesses and forsakes them will
obtain mercy.”
7. And when you are
tempted to use your words to hurt another, remember the power of words—the
power to lift up and the power to tear down. James 3:5-6 and 8b says, “So also the
tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great exploits. How great a forest
is set ablaze by a small fire! And
the tongue is a fire. The tongue is placed among our members as a world of
iniquity; it stains the whole body, sets on fire the cycle of nature, and is itself set on fire by hell. But no one can tame the tongue—a
restless evil, full of deadly poison.”
Think before you speak.
Use your words for healing & building up. In Proverbs, we read (12:18,
13:3; 17:28; 21:23): “Rash
words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Those who
guard their mouths preserve their lives; those
who open wide their lips come to ruin. Even fools who keep silent are considered wise;
when they close their lips, they are deemed
intelligent. To watch over mouth and tongue is to keep out of trouble.”
8.Don’t grumble and
complain; it discourages other people and encourages conflict to break out. Phil.
2:14 exhorts us, “Do all things without murmuring and arguing.” James 5:9 says, “Beloved, do not grumble against one another, so that you
may not be judged. See, the Judge is standing at the doors!”
9. Don’t practice
deceit, which also encourages conflict and imitates Satan, the “father of
lies.” Prov. 24:28 says, “Do not be a witness against your neighbor without cause, and do not deceive with your
lips.” 2 Cor. 4:2 says, “We have renounced the shameful things that one hides; we
refuse to practice cunning or to falsify God’s word; but by the open statement
of the truth we commend ourselves to the conscience of everyone in the sight of
God.” John 8:44 says,“You are from your father the devil, and you
choose to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning and
does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he
speaks according to his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies.”
10. Don’t gossip – and
stay clear of people who do. Gently correct a friend who engages in it, or just
change the subject (overlook the minor offense!) Gossip is both the spark &
the fuel for conflict. (Prov. 16:28 says, “A perverse person spreads strife,
and a whisperer separates close friends.”
11. Remember the Golden
Rule: Matt. 7:12 says, “In
everything do to others as you would have them do to you; for this is the law
and the prophets.”
12. And finally,
remember the Narrow Gate. Matt. 7:13 says, ‘Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the
road is easy that leads to destruction, and there are many who take it.”
Friends, looking back at
my childhood conflicts with my brother, I can honestly say that, yes, he did
some pretty cruel things. But I also was too sensitive and perhaps even fun for
my brother to tease—because he would always get a reaction out of me. I would
have done better to have responded to some of his naughty behavior with
peacemaking responses, such as seeking to talk it over and overlooking minor
offenses. When I reacted with anger and a desire to get even—I made the
conflict even worse and kept it going. The saddest thing of all, perhaps, is I
needlessly carried hurt from those years of conflict with him—instead of
seeking my peace with God in Christ and allowing the Spirit to help me
reconcile with my brother.
By the time my brother and I were in our mid
20s, we each were married with children and we no longer lived in the same town
or even the same state. We saw each other less and less, but when we did see
each other, neither one of us seemed to have the energy to keep up our
quarreling. Perhaps we were just growing up. I loved his wife upon our first
meeting—she was and is a real sweetheart. And I love his children, who have
always gotten along with my children.
I don’t know exactly when it happened, but
somewhere in my young adulthood, my brother and I became friends. Not the
closest buddies, perhaps, but friends. We started laughing more when we did get
together. His jokes—and maybe my jokes, too—seemed to be a lot funnier than
they were when we were kids. I began to see that we had more in common than I
thought we did. After all, he’s only 18 months older than I!
And then 2 years ago, when my father called
me on a Sunday night to tell me my brother was in a serious accident with his
motorcycle, it didn’t take me but a day or 2 to decide I needed to drop
everything and just drive to Topeka, KS, to see him. He was in critical care,
on a respirator and unable to speak. But I
knew for sure that I would be able to comfort his wife—and my mother,
who had driven from out East when my sister in law told her the news.
Seeing my big brother look so helpless and
in pain, broken ribs, hands and shoulder and punctured lung, his face swollen
and bruised black and blue almost beyond recognition, I was SO glad that we had
laid down our swords years ago – and had become what we were supposed to
be—brother and sister. And I thanked God for doing the work of tranformation in
my heart. Because I needed to change!
I watched my brother through a glass
window in the CCU before I got up the courage to go into his room. They had
just removed him from the breathing tube. He looked up and saw me looking at
him. Gave me a big smile.
And I thought—it’s going to be OK.
Friends, life is too short for quarrels
between family members, friends, and brothers and sisters in the Lord. Ask God
to restore your broken relationships. Allow the Spirit to change your heart!
And seek Christ, who IS our peace.
Will you pray with me? Lord, thank you for your word
to us today—your encouragement that we can handle conflict in a loving way, in
ways that give glory to you. I pray for anyone here who might be struggling
with a broken relationship. Give them wisdom, patience, and courage to be a
peacemaker and reveal the glory of God through this conflict. Heal what is
broken. Humble us all so that we see our own flaws and weaknesses—and are eager
to overlook the flaws of other people—and minor offenses. Help us to forgive
quickly and not to hold onto hurts. Not to lash out in anger or try to get
even. Lift up our eyes, Lord, so we see the perfect example of Jesus and His
self-giving love for us as he hung on the cross, dying for our sins. Help us to
be more like Him. In Him we pray. Amen.
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